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Saturday, June 10th, 2006
7:03 pm
I think I may be about to make drama for myself. oh what strange things we humans do...
Maybe nothing maybe somthing no one is ever to know if no one ever tries. Quandry...

Peace and Punk Rock

current mood: listless

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Wednesday, May 31st, 2006
7:45 pm
I am not dead yet but I am rockin in the real world. Peace and Punk Rock... No time, so much to say no time to say it.

current mood: excited

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Wednesday, March 29th, 2006
5:24 pm - living without NIN
I was ejected from the NIN concert yesterday for indecient exposer....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

god damn rock nazi, fuck the man he can go eat a dick.

current mood: angry

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Sunday, February 19th, 2006
7:58 pm - moving on and moving up
I work for a lighting production company in OKC these days. The only down side to my job is that when I tell people about what I do they get mad at me because I have a bad ass time every day all day long and I get paid to do it. Really does rock, or like my friend Pope says "more metal than your moss kettel. I have back stage passes and floor tickets to the NIN concert on the 28 of this month, its gona rock my socks off. These days I work a lot but I love it, wouldn't have it any other way:). Being a rock star is hard work.

Living the life of dreams, and wonder. I no longer care if I die or how I am just excited that I know it was always worth it...

Peace and Punk Rock

I hope later I have more time to update this the way it should be.

Concerts I have seen recitenly.
Of Montreall
Starlight Mints
Bright Eyes
The Faint
The Platters
The Lettermen
Avenge 7 Fold
There are more I just cant think of them at the moment.
And I am supposed to go to Deftones in KC but I don't think I will make it.

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Monday, December 26th, 2005
2:29 am - forgot about that star
Tonight I saw a star I thought had gone out. No matter what has or will happen the past has already happened, nothing any mortal like myself can do about it.

No matter how much I would rather not feel this way any more, it does make me happy to know that real love is forever, and there is really nothing any of us foolish mortals can do about it.

There really are more important things to do, I need to remember that and get to doing them. There are bigger things out there in this world and beyond than our petty existence.

Peace and Punk Rock

current mood: peaceful

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Monday, November 28th, 2005
5:14 pm
Back in Bartlesville, everything in OKC went to Hell, I take responsiblity for the Drama but its not all mine. I really am done taking all the credit for everything going to shit. Well I am among friends now and I just got back from Colorado. I am getting better, I miss the girls. I really do love them, time to move on and not dwell. "Its weird have somone tell you to go find yourself, when they are the person who helped you change who you were."

Oh well I am leaving for Baltimore soon say about January 12th, I am all right.

I meet an Angle in Colorado, she helped me remember why I am who I am. Helped me to remember why I chose to be the person I am today. I owe alot to this girl and I don't know if I will ever see her again. I really don't know anyway to thank her. Maybe some day I can pay her back but I don't know but I do know that she gave me what she did just because. She really was an angle...

Peace and Punk Rock

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Friday, September 9th, 2005
1:02 am - leaveing but not very fast.
Looks like on September 16 or there about we are leaving for Oklahoma City. I am looking forward to leaving Oklahoma but at least I wont live in Bartlesville. I have the two best friends anyone could ever ask for so it will all be fine and we will leave this state some time soon.

Peace and Punk Rock

current mood: anxious

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Sunday, August 21st, 2005
4:38 pm - Cindle Fabulous
Watching myself falling feeling it all rip past my eyes.
I can watch the colors, feel the ecstasy, become lost and never care.

I see an exquisite old spirit a walking picture of innocents and harmony. She takes my hand and I can see the stars explode and in a single touch the universe envelopes my heart and overwhelms logic, and I fall into dream hoping never to return.

To this old soul reality becomes peace, tranquility, and joy for a secret given with a giggle and a smile. Watching this star and bathing in its radiance. Never knowing always dreaming. This exquisite star always shining, always watching your eyes see more than you know but your heart will always remember.

Bathing in this star shine, watching this bubble shimmer.
Every morning I stir to see her face. My heart skips… Time pauses… Her eyes open and in that instance my sunrises. Her brilliance explodes on my horizon, her light dazzles and dances across the landscape of my spirit. Her sparkle is my sun. Her light pools around me, flows over me, caressing my cheek as if an angle’s wings were wrapped around my being.

She fills me with hope.

Some times when I lay with her, and she is content and comfortable. I rest my hands on her back and I feel a pulse as if wings were straining to burst forth and take her soaring. I gaze at her when it all gets to much and she sits alone, I can see her yearning for her wings to burst free, to just soar to leave it all behind and let the stars swallow her. My heart screams her name into the night wanting with everything inside of me that she hear me. I can see the wind carry my words to her as she soars into infinity, her eyes for an instant spark green, blue and yellow. I know she is there and her soul soars above watching waiting.

Lying beneath these wonderful stars feeling the stardust drift down into my eyes. Waking for morning with her light to welcome me, feeling her warmth surround me. Weeping for the times I watch her soar into the sky when her wings carry her away from me, loving her because she is so free. Watching her path through the heavens leaving behind her a tail of joy, and hope. I may sprout wings that I can soar the heavens by her side and feel this world float on below.

current mood: loved

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Monday, July 18th, 2005
5:32 am - scars memories and shining stars we can only dream of touching
A day and a half ago I was with a couple of women whom I loved a lot more than I think I can admit to myself right now… I suppose they are girls but they like so many of the stars that I have found in my life had found who they are very early, so I can do nothing but think of them as women. I was also with another very special woman whom I have history, turmoil, DRAMA, and so many other things that I can’t ever begin to imagine or come close to explaining. A day and a half ago I lost them as lovers yet gained them as friends, I wish and hope dearly very good friends, but its all to fresh right now to know truth. I have always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve, I would rather cherish the pain of my soul than ignore or deny it. Though this brings very difficult experiences and life to me I would have it no other way. Though I may not be able to explain in words what I feel in my heart I know that I feel it and even if it cant come out my mouth. My love for others screams from my soul, in every movement I take, in the intimate touch I give to those around and flow fourth from my eyes.

Over the course of a week, which was the hardest most painful experience my inexperienced soul has ever lived though, I found love I didn’t know was possible. Experienced the truth of a statement I had always believed was real but never understood, “It is possible to love more than one.” Now don’t get me wrong that if my life brings me to a place where one presence is more that I have ever imagined I am willing to accept and believe. Yet I have felt for two women what I have never felt for one and I know to be truth that I could not feel this way if it weren’t for both together. For my third I don’t know if I will ever be able to explain my feelings but I suppose it was meant to be, it is how it has always been. The two are too young to understand and accept and cherish how I feel, and it’s been so very unfair of me to try to force them. That is a very hard thing to admit it makes me feel blame for losing those that I love. Though I know in my heart that my feelings will never change, and that is enough. As John Lenin put it very well “all you need is love.”

So they have moved on without me, I am past the newness of my hurt I suppose there will always be tears for this lose. Then again those tears mean more to me than I have ever had words to describe those tears are worth more to me than my life itself. I hope to gain some scares from this and some new friends, all I can do is wait. The waiting hurts almost as bad as the losing…

Well because I don’t really feel like give the entire catalogue of my experience I suppose I will go to my worries. I was supposed to go to Shwagstock with these shining stars from heaven, and I can’t bring myself to believe in my heart that it is my place to clutter their world. Don’t get me wrong I am still going and I intend to go with them but I wont be with them I have yet to experience all that I dream with these women but they have their path and I have mine. I suppose that means I have to talk to them about it…

As well that gives me the opportunity to visit old friends and introduce them to my new ones. So if it works out I want to see my Wisconsin Flower, and from there the sky is the limit. That is to say as long as I get back here to this boring reality by Sept 4th so I can be at work on the 5th, I start my adventures August 24th.

Words from a dream while I slept the most wonderful sleep I have ever had, and woke to the most exquisite sight. “When I find myself asking someone to explain what is going on I am in for a rude awakening.” Words spoke from the weeping eyes of an angle.

Peace and Punk Rock

current mood: melancholy

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Wednesday, June 29th, 2005
12:08 am
Floating on cloud 9, watching the shades of beauty drift by.
Watching past psychedelic dreams float in my mind.
Dreaming of images I need to put down in paint.
Creating new memories that I will keep forever.

Humans walking past I don’t care if they see, she might but she doesn’t stop me.
Watching this fairy that likes to be with me, helping her into a peaceful zone.
I still hold apprehension about the future but it will be what it is and I can be content.
Remembering the colors and dreaming of finding new ones.

Not knowing if I will leave this town alone, I don’t really care any more.
Knowing I have left other havens of peace and feeling my old connections still today.
I still hold my memories dear and I dream of the ones yet to be found.
Life will soon be my own once more, I look forward to sharing it with friends.

Peace and Punk Rock

current mood: indescribable

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Saturday, June 4th, 2005
12:59 am - kitty fabulous
i think it's funny as well
not really
shut the fuck up
that's better
and what do you think about that?
i really like biscuts
well so do i, but....
i don't like smelling like them. and i don't like
other people to point it out to me.
like i really pay attention to these things

well i'm different.


a biscut
sounds quite yummy right now
or something else. tee hee
tickle tickle
meany head
i'm not 12
it's not adorable
you motherfucker

current mood: tickle

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Wednesday, April 20th, 2005
3:42 am - Waiting for Aug 3rd
So relief is so welcome... I have not been tested, I am not going to jail... I have witnessed a miracle, I was driving and the clouds parted, a beam of light cascades down from heaven and I know god is watching...

All I have to do is go to my rehab, wait for august 3rd, then I am free. After that the sky is the limit, I plan on visiting friends out of state, and probably going and staying with my Wisconsin flower for a little while, maybe move to Columbia. I don’t really know there is a whole world out there and I really have seen very little of it. Also looking forward to seeing my college room mate again, he is cool, I am waiting to jam with him I am getting better. Considering how much practice I have had recently, playing the blues and all.

Well happy 420 all of you free souls out there, have fun and celebrate. I am there with you in spirit.

Peace and Punk Rock

current mood: Patient

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Monday, April 18th, 2005
5:05 am
Today was my third day off in a row... I cleaned my room, sort of, and did laundry. I was so bored I went to work anyway, I was tired of waiting for my friend, a hot chick, to get off work. We got out on time mostly, it was a pretty good time at work. Then we went to Denny's and sat around drinking coffee for 4 and a half hours, they were closed for two of those hours painting the inside of the place. They still brought us coffee, and didn't kick us out. I was there with my hot chick, I might be able to earn a kiss from her sometime maybe. Her EX showed up with his new girl it was weird in that we are all friends kind of way...

Then got bored with that, I watched a little bit of SeaBuiscut a horse movie. Then my good old friend called me. We then had some Easy Mac and I spouted off some wonderful poetry that if I were to write it down, if I could remember it, I might make some money off of it. Oh well Say La Vie... Went for a walk and got some smokes saw and old friend who is still here. Steve is cool... Then had a long metaphysical conversation with Jim Warring "a cop" in the parking lot. It is a good thing cops are humans to otherwise I am not sure if I would want to live in this society, as if I am all that happy with it any way...

Well I just had to write it all down, wasn’t that bad of a day. It was a Day... I am now going to bed. I have to get up and shave tomorrow before work, I have a new look for myself, I am having a lot of fun with it, and I like being hot…

Peace and Punk Rock

current mood: waiting for aug 3rd

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Monday, April 11th, 2005
1:45 am
I am scared out of my mind and I don't know what to do...
I have 5 months of rehab left to do and only 4 months to do it in... I have made the mistake of putting it off and now I think I am going to end in Jail. I spent 5 days in there late last year, now I think I am in for a longer stay. I don't know...

Mostly that scares the hell out of me, the rest is bull shit that really isn't worth talking about. Besides the fact no one actually wants to hear about it. Even if they did want to hear after they know they just blow it off anyway, I suppose I need to let the rest of the world it can just fuck off. It might not help my problem but at least it wouldn't make it worse. Not like anyone is willing to fix it any way...

I hope god sees some way for me to die soon, I would welcome death at this point. I am not suicidal but I would be a lot less miserable if death would come soon...

Peace and Punk Rock

Anya please email me your phone # I have a cell now and I want to talk to you before I lose my freedom again.

current mood: miserable

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Monday, April 4th, 2005
2:02 pm
Well I think I have finally gotten fed up with getting laughed at and turned down every time I find a beautiful woman that I would like to spend time with. I want to be the one that "just wants to be friends." So I am going to start working on myself, I am going to lose this extra fat weight, and try and make myself look good. That way when those dumb bitches come up to me I can laugh in their faces, lets see how they feel about that.

Besides all that though, I have a beautiful friend both inside and out. She has even already been accepted to a Boston Ballet company, and she is still in high school. So every time she is going to go skinny dipping with us she always makes me get some one that is beautiful on the outside before she will go with me. She thinks its not fair for her because as far as she says I am beautiful inside but cant match her physically. Besides I am tired of making people uncomfortable when they get naked with me and I only have fat to show off. Oh well I guess I will see if I even really do anything about it.

Peace and Punk Rock

I am looking forward to laughing in those damn bitches faces I think I deserve that right, and I still to this day can't believe how shallow most women are, it really is sad. :)

current mood: vengful

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Sunday, March 6th, 2005
9:39 pm - I hate my life
I just thought everyone should know...

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Tuesday, February 15th, 2005
3:17 am
Just thought I would post for Valentines day...

some words worth contemplation...

Love is like a meditation, puts all logic to sleep other wise we probably wouldn't risk it...

On a more realistic note I avoided the day all together, and I bit the head off of anyone that said anything to me about the day yesterday. So in all truth it is the least horrible Valentines Day to date. :)

Peace and Punk Rock

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Tuesday, February 8th, 2005
2:47 am
Today it seems to have hit home that Noah is moving out... Even though he never paid rent, he bitched at everyone that did pay rent to clean the house even though he was home all day doing nothing, eats all the food in the house, and bring irritating little girls over that make most of us uncomfortable. It seems that now that he moved out of the house, the people that actually pay rent there and do most of the up keep on the house want to move out now too...

I suppose that its not all his fault but it seems to me that I want to blame it on him, and I can't seem to come up with a good excuse to not blame him for it...

I am going to lose what little bit of a social life I have, and really that only matters because before I moved back here to Bartlesville and let myself make a lot of friends I never had a social life before now... Well that is all gone now it seems.

I think I am going to have to start paying for an apartment that I don't really want so I can keep living in a town that I hate. All just because I can't bring myself to believe that I can live for another 6 months with out my friends... On top of all that if I don't start paying for the apartment I won't even be able to talk to any girls with the exception of my mom, and the few instances that my female friends can take time out of their lives to stop chasing boys or being bitchy to just be...

it is enough to make a guy want to just go shoot himself...

August 5 2005 I get off probation I don't care where I go I don't give a rats ass what I do I just want to not be here any more...

Love is such a fucked up thing. If it weren't for the fact that I believe it is probably the only thing that humans have that is worth our existence...

current mood: depressed

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Sunday, February 6th, 2005
2:10 am - Love?
I can see her face in my mind, that thought makes me happy... Is that wrong? She professes her love, she makes me feel special, she thinks I am sexy... Why does that scare me? I call her my favorite, because I can't speak those terrible words we so often throw at another that we care for... Should I say them to her? I am confused and she is not here... Is it even right for me to want her for only mine?

I hope my mind lets me rest while I sleep.

current mood: crazy

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Tuesday, January 11th, 2005
4:12 am - chillin with friends
I saw an old friend I ran through some dark woods once to her to her get away car, she was appealingg for a job where I work. I don't think I have commented on how much boredom is contained within my job. First of all I sit there all day, all be it a comfortable chair. I personally don't appreciate corporate work too much, it does pay the bills and. technically I am supposed to have a job anyway, this one is easy. I mean really I go in late a lot and I bs on the phones till close. My supervisors come over to my cube sometimes and listen to me when most everyone else has gone home. I really do string a good line for those corporate bastards. YOU know what else I have to type the word corporate ever day before I can get to work. It really is enough to make a guy scream, though it is true that after most people have left I can play my harmonica between calls. So the job is not that bad and the people are cool mostly. YOu just have to remember that its all on tape.

I have a friend that I kinda worry about... I tried to find her all night hopefully jean can get a hold of her later... Hopefully... maybe some more Hopefully...
I am just sittin around with some friends I think most everyone is asleep not really tired myself. You know I really do want to have found her tonight, I got the feeling she needed someone's arms around her. I worry about her...

Bah just chillin not dead and meh

Peace and Punk Rock\

current mood: quixotic

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